It’s been an age since I’ve written anything, in truth I’ve been reading as a form of escapism. My usual retreat/refuge is running but my knee is sore.. Experience has finally taught me rest and adaptaion is better than perseverance. I’ve been through the gambit of emotions since my last published post. I’ve been writing another one for weeks, dipping in and out, that in itself isn’t like me, I usual write bash them out and move on to the next because blogging was meant to be almost like a diary of my emotions, a snap shot of my life so I had something for my failing memory or my children could get to know me when I’m gone.
I do love to write but life has become stressful. I’d forgotten the feeling of acute stress if I’m honest. For many years I lived with chronic stress. My personal social situation was endemic of stress, relationships that were more like dictatorships, if they weren’t physically abusive they were emotionally so or both for a myriad of reasons I accepted this. It’s only when stress is removed or depression lifts the real realisation of the physical weight of them is realised.
This time I’m aware and reading is awesome deflection, I can’t imagine a life without books. The death of Sir Terry Pratchett in 2015 was devastating, I literally only read the last and 41st Disc World book last month. I have a first edition hard back but put it off for over 3 years because now I’ve read it what?! Now he’s really gone. I’m comforted by the fact I have everything he’s ever published (baring a cook book and a quiz book) and they’re an easy re-read. You never fail to find something new. I read some Robert Rankin, who I feel with go some way to filling a void.
Anyway, this mindless mumbling is my start at something like writing again. No real topic but my disappointment in myself for failing to blog consistently, the loss of both Granny Weatherwax and Sir T P and that I didn’t keep stress at bay.
My stress is child/young adult related but so much detail would be required by way of explanation as to be an unnecessary manuscript and will keep.
Pretty good advice, as the old adage goes “smiling is infectious” just as “bad moods are contagious!”
I loathe having to change my plans, I’m a creature of habit, like to write lists,to be fair this is as much for the plan itself as for my horrendous memory.
Last Thursday didn’t go according to plan. If I’m working or Chris and I both aren’t I like to get up at 5.30am to train that way I get it done before anything can derail me. That day I got up expecting to be able to train later in the day because Chris was meant to be working. I’d already deviated from the norm, normally I’d be working in St Davids that morning but Ellie had a brace fitting at the orthodontist so I’d moved working to the Friday because she needed taking but Lewis was sent home from school unwell on the Wednesday and I had to arrange for my mother to take her instead. Then Chris didn’t work. The garage was locked and he couldn’t get hold of the owner he was meant to be doing a welding job for so I didn’t train. Such was the state of derailment I literally sat down all day!
I haven’t been able to get back on track though, I’m assuming from previous experience it’s not because of the deviation of plans but the lack of physical activity.
My everything has suffered from not training. We’re designed to be active, this sedentary life style is quite literally killing us. I’m not suggesting exercise is the be all and end all to everything health related but it seriously can’t hurt. My mental health very definitely suffers if I’m not active. I don’t even mean balls to the wall HIIT or heavy weights but simply getting in those steps or cleaning the house. It’s amazing how much better I feel having got my heart rate up, even a little. In the 6 days since then I’ve only physically trained 3 times. I believe it’s having a real effect.
Today I got up ready to go, as a rule I train at least 5 days a week but today I changed my mind, I know I’ll feel better, even got weights and kettles ready but talked myself out of it. ‘Everyone’s sleeping, it’s half term, Chris has a days work, (it’s been in short supply if I’m honest.) So I’ll definitely do it later, blah blah.’
I checked the bank at 5am when Lewis woke me, did a few quick calculations and panicked. February’s a short month for some reason everyone likes to take their cut on 1st, there’s other stuff going out tomorrow and “panic”… I know once I’ve trained it won’t seem insurmountable but at one and the same time it’s a motivation sedative, the anxiety in my throat and chest, almost like nausea is crippling.
I haven’t been so inactive since I was pregnant with Daizy, she’ll be 5 this year! Although this is in no way a scientific study it’s interesting to note life’s not been interspersed so often with this anxious, stressed, unhappy feeling until now despite very little being different, actually there’ve been much more difficult times financially and on a personal level and yet I took them in my stride.
I have no doubt once Chris has left in about an hour I’ll do something, probably some kind of resistance training with a yoga type finisher and it will restore me to default but it has taken this period of mindfulness to both motivate me and show me the necessity and significance of exercise in the quality of all areas of my life.
In my opinion people should move more, it can’t hurt if you start small and build up slowly to prevent injury but can very definitely help!
I watched an advert doing the rounds on Facebook yesterday, it was for a South African beer I think. It resonated with me.
The story is basically a group of strangers giving their first impressions of one another from photographs.
Pretty much all the statements they made were negative or judgmental, now obviously this was a beer advert and may or may not have been genuine footage and if genuine might have been edited so only negative examples were included but it made me think. These people made statements about one another not realising they would meet. Whether they would have made different comments had they known they would need to justify them is unknown. It being an advert, they talked it through and hugged it out.
What surprised me was my own reaction. I didn’t question the negativity at all, the only thing I found unusual was that all the black participants made the statement that the white ones looked like racists. Then I realised the advert was South African and that seemed to make sense. But there in itself is my own naivety, and judgement coming out. Ok Aparthied was more recently overturned than say segregation in the US but what do I know about it, about either of them? Yes Rosa Parks and the bus seat, Martin Luther King and the civil right movement. Nelson Mandela’s 27 year imprisonment but this is history I learned about other countries. I’m from the UK. Of course we have our share of racist idiots but we didn’t have that level of separation. The slave trade was hidden from us way out in the colonies, we didn’t want to think about it!
I hate racism and prejudice not just the stereotypical white on black crap but all the other nonsense, Welsh v English, West Indian v African, Pakistani v Indian and religion bashing, no religious text preaches violence, this negativity in all things is wearing. It’s devoid of intelligence to dislike a person based on the melanin content of their skin, their religious beliefs or sexual orientation. My skin colour has no baring on my personality, what I get up to in my head or my bed has no baring on anyone unless I’m sharing it with them.
This doesn’t mean I’m not judgmental though however much I’d like not to be. We make snap judgements about people, all day every day we make up our minds based on their appearance, weight, accent, job title, you name it.
We want to fit in somewhere, find our tribe, belong! That’s human nature but why does this mean we revert to them and us mentality? Surely you can fit in without berating those in another demographic.
Why can’t we all just live and let live? Better still helped one another. You can go out of your way to enrich the lives of others without costing anything financially. You loose nothing by helping another in fact you gain from the experience, emotionally, spiritually. You might make a friend, change a life. The expression one candle looses nothing by lighting another is valid for human interaction too.
There are enough resources in the world to feed and clothe every one of us but the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, that isn’t natural selection or survival of the fittest, it’s greed!
To save the planet both in a literal sense from the extinction of species to global warming and a moral stand point for the prevention of conflict, genocide and the heart braking necessity of economic migration we need to stop the psychology of ‘them and us’..’mine, mine, mine! And work together or there may not be a world left for us to fight over!
Supposing we don’t destroy the planet before hand and I have some serious doubts about this given over 75% of adults aren’t modifying their behaviour at all despite being the first generation to be aware of our detrimental impact on the place. I’ve been thinking about advances in technology.
When I was growing up in the UK in the 70’s and 80’s we had a black and white television about the size of the average iPad (other tablets are available) with 3 channels, you tuned it in like an old fashioned radio by twisting a knob, it had an ariel like a wire coat hanger, indeed you could use one if the original was missing. I still remember the excitement when the neighbours from no 24 (we were at 7) bought a colour tv. It was a brown wood effect box with press buttons that could be pre-set to store the channels.
Music was played on 12 or 7 inch records or on tapes. We’d record the top 40 hoping to omit the voice of the dj over our favourite tracks. And if we failed to find a new one when it was time to record carefully placed celotape over the tabs in the top of a pre-recorded album we’d had enough of.
Then came video so you could record television too! Betamax was beaten to the punch by VHS. Video cameras became a thing, almost immediately tv programmes like ‘you’ve been framed’ or other shows that caught ‘hilarious’ situations on camera arrived. Seriously undermining society in my opinion but I digress..
We still accessed books for knowledge not Google and turned pages, there’s nothing like smell and sound of the crisp paper of a new book or the soft touch of a well thumbed favourite read. Now I admit I myself read more articles on screen than newspapers.
At school there was 1 computer, up stairs by the dormitories, we never used it for lessons. Really it was the property of the sixth form boarders, who learned various algorithms to scroll the names of their latest crush all over the banks of computer screens in Oxford city centre at the weekends.
Just think of the advancements made since then! By the time I was working in a solicitors in 1993 Word Perfect (blue screen, word processing) was making way for Word for Windows, (I don’t pretend to know anything at all about Apple Mac.) A mouse had stopped being something you caught in traps for eating corn stores or infiltrating your larder cupboard and was something entirely different. Computers went from being complex with F keys and binary code needed for even the simplest of tasks and were now becoming more accessible. People were sending documents via fax machine rather than the need to wait for the post, DX or telegram. The world was moving faster than ever.
I stated this blog to begin with because I love to write but with no idea what kind of blogger I’d be (still fairly unclear tbh!) what I’d post about or how it would evolve but primarily to document my year. (I have a New Years Eve birthday and benefit from being 47 all year with no frayed edges of days or months) and in the event of my demise so my children could get a snap shot of who I am and have been as a person. This was important to me. My father died when I was 6 after a short battle with a brain tumour. I know very little of who he was. His siblings were a good deal older, my cousins a similar age to him but they weren’t close to my knowledge and although she tried hard until their deaths or she moved to Pembrokeshire whichever came sooner my Mother couldn’t force us to have a relationship with people with which we felt no connection. There’s no-one else to ask about him except my mother and to get a rounded idea of a person I feel it’s necessary to get various view points for a clear picture. I feel I missed out in some way, a father’s unique love and perception of his daughter and all that jazz and to know if I am like him, would our out look have been the same and so on. This blog is a little bit of who I am. Daizy my youngest is only 4, Lewis 6, Jenson 9, Emily 15, Ellie 17 and Ce’Nedra 27. I love you kids, you are the best of me, just in case you’re reading this after the event!
If we manage to carry on long enough without destroying the planet I imagine there will come a time when we can translate peoples thought waves. We’re already able to get microchip implants for identity etc. (I kid you not!) Will there be a time when you can upload all your thoughts, as simply as your spotify playlist. Will we be able to upload our memories, the essence of who we are on to a chip. Like an autobiography on a very personal level. Will there come a time when we can upload another person in our mind and truely know them? Perhaps, but until then my children will have to make to with my blog.
I love this picture and am seriously contemplating having it as a tattoo, the script, not the scene building etc but that would be pretty cool thinking about it now!
I’m a bit out of sorts lately, can’t remember if I’ve said this before or simply meant to, my memory is shocking, to be honest it has been since I had my first child 27 years ago. I could look back at previous blogs to check but where’s the fun in that? The same people don’t usually read my stuff anyway so who’d know? Certainly not me, because of the memory loss thing aha.. Seriously though, it worried me enough to see my GP about it having been meaning to bring it up on previous visits but forgetting, no joke! She tells me it’s a symptom of peri-menopause and did I want some blood tests to prove it? I’m thinking no I’m 47, of course everything is winding down. For Neolithic man I’d be over double the average life expectancy. Pretty damn old for a Tudor too.
The idiotic things I’ve put my body through sometimes I seriously marvel I lived to see 47. For as long as I can remember I believed I was fat. I’ve said before I blame the ‘feel the burn’ Jane Fonda generation for my mother and her friends obsession with diets and dieting. That and the ever-changing fashion of the ideal female (and more recently male) body type.
I should point out some of the time I was plump, from the age of about 11 when puberty struck. I started my periods at about 10, which was a shock but my mother coped admirably with it considering she hadn’t even contemplated their arrival for a few years yet and as such was completely unprepared; I was being looked after by her friend the night it happened so by the time I told anyone it was a Sunday morning. The UK still had strict laws about opening hours and she had to drive 10 miles to find the nearest chemist that opened on Sunday to dispense prescriptions. From then to about the age of 19 when I got pregnant with C I had a good amount of chub going on. The fact my best friends were tall and lean while I was 5′ 2″ and stocky all played in to the insecurity!
Kate Moss, Jodie Kid and the like, grey eyed and willowy all be it fainting from hunger! Coin the phrase ‘heroin chic’ and you have a generation of anorexic girls who don’t have the discipline to diet or the self-control to starve but they heard all about heroin. Olivia Channon, an MP’s daughter overdosed at Oxford, (my home town.) The information was there in the hind brain, if such a thing exists, your subconscious knows, “heroin makes you thin!”
Fast forward past some trauma, a few lecherous interactions with a middle-aged family friend who should’ve known better than to grope the budding breasts and crotch of a fatherless girl who loved and looked up to him. Rejections from boys who didn’t know how to take a filter-less blunt (these days probably considered mildly autistic) oddly attractive, (but plump so you couldn’t admit it to your friends) girl. The memory still lingers. The Cambridge liquid food diet worked for a bit but weight rebounded. Only cereal and toast, worked for a bit. You name it as long as that sweet taste was still on the menu. Weight was armor from men who’d abuse but paradoxically fat was the worst possible thing you could be. Everything in life would be fine if I could stop biting my nails, be thin, get a tan (picture the skin of a red-head on a mousey pale eyed girl) and just have friends to laugh with.
After I had C I wasn’t fat, size 10 (US 6) probably but that perception of myself remained. I felt big, even at my biggest I was probably only a size 14 (US 10) although not gargantuan at 5′ 2″ it was larger than Kate Moss and I was muscular, although in fashion now in the 80’s and 90’s I wasn’t fitting in to a box anyone wanted. I remember C’s father buying me some clothes in a size 10 and the genuine surprise and confusion I felt when they were loose. Even then I couldn’t believe I was slim. When we were first together one of his other conquests had said “you’re leaving me for that fat blonde?” I was on the bigger end of my personal spectrum then but he was daft enough to repeat it! And as I said reality never really caught up after I had C, this was just another confirmation of my obesity, in truth I probably only got thinner life was fairly toxic and chronic stress does that to a person.
G was, um…shall we say generous with himself! Something I’m not the least bit bitter about now, he’s been dead for the past 10 years, for the 13 before that we were not together we’d only been back in touch for about 3 years before his death. At the time we’d become good friends again without that weird sexual tension you can have with someone you find intellectually compelling but with whom that chapter is long finished. He collected women. He wasn’t particularly attractive physically, he’d lost an eye in an incident as a child, which he was terribly insecure about but had an air of such confidence he could make anyone believe in him, I often thought he should’ve become a politician and not a drug dealer.
At 20 I found it so torturous it was physically painful. The fact I wasn’t enough nearly broke me. My parents had waited until they were married, my mother because she was and is a committed Christian and my father because he had an irrational fear of venereal disease. So I thought he was being cruel. Later having lived a longer less sheltered existence I understood it wasn’t about me at all, it was all about him. We talked about it once; his harem after the pain of living through it was a memory; he found people interesting, enjoyed sex but it wasn’t about the physicality. He said when he’d got them he didn’t want to hurt them and didn’t know how to leave without doing it so he just kept them around until they got bored and drifted off. I believe it, at that point he had no cause to lie about it. But the feelings I had about it from 18 – 24 while we were together made me question what was wrong with me and it always came back to my weight.
Although Olivia Channon had died at university in Oxford about 5 years before. Heroin wasn’t common place in the town then. People smoked solid and grew their own weed without the benefit of hydroponics and heavy cross-pollination of today super skunk which has reduced the protective element of cbd and increased the psychoactive thc to levels that are so seriously damaging brains. Lsd was prevalent, Ecstasy although common was a comparatively recent phenomenon of the previous decade or so. Free parties were still taboo often run by new age travelers, not to be confused with gypsy travelers or traveling show men. These were the evolution of hippies, bored youths in their gap year or private school kids in their droves who wanted to experience off grid living. They and the revelers vilified and heavily Policed. At this point if heroin was found on the traveler site’s the other travelers would club together and run them off. But it was coming!
A friend of G’s had encountered it. He was already smoking if not already injecting but I was blissfully unaware. They would go to London to get it, he was in and out of the shared house I lived in with my daughter, I didn’t question his activities if I did, he had so many other places to go and we didn’t see him at all.
One day he turned up with a bag of it, and asked me to keep it for him, I did, it was idiocy because he obviously intended to sell it, he thought it was something I’d encountered before I’d never told him I hadn’t wanting to appear worldly. I smoked a joint with him and was sick for hours. I didn’t try it again for years.
Sadly G had a taste for it I’m unsure if he was already using heavily at this point or if it was recreational my poor memory coupled with his secrecy and time passed is such I don’t remember the timeline but a family tragedy I don’t feel it’s my right to go into left his son disabled. Heroin was his crutch. I spent a good deal of my time in the hospital with the mother of his son who was a friend and before I knew what was happening he was an addict and dealing to fund it, he’d previously dealt in solid cannabis and acid so it was just progression, although before this, it had never been from our home.
Looking back it’s not even like a memory but so distant it’s almost like a film I watched or a book I read. I can honestly not tell you why I ended up joining him. A culmination of many things, the desperate existence we were living, the fact he took all my money to fund his habit. I lost my job at a solicitors because he would show up randomly, looming. L his older daughter ran away one day with the pressure of living at hospital and trying to go to school from there, she was about 8, so I walked out of work to meet her knowing she would only be walking to our house. She was going through so much with her brother ill. I was very unreliable from a work perspective although not using drugs at that point and that was the final nail in the coffin. After the funeral of the woman who had been another mother to me I dabbled again. I just wanted it to stop for a moment, the pain. Again I was very sick. I didn’t do it again for a long time. It’s a wonder I persisted at all because of the nausea. In some sick way (no pun intended) it was a connection to the man I thought I loved with my whole soul in the way you do with your first adult obsession.. And there, in the back of my mind, heroin keeps you thin!
Fast forward some years, I was way past love, even past the hatred and resentment I’d felt for him, now I felt nothing. I only used enough to stop any physical symptoms and stay thin. My daughter was 4, we’d lost our home due to the shenanigans and were living in a flat. He’d gone back to the mother of his other children because “their need was greater than mine” now L was finally back home from the hospital and head injury trust. Of course the area was better for his dealing now our house was no longer available too! I was still his but he was unkind. I went to my mother’s in Wales painfully thin and bruised and could no longer deny what was happening. When I got back my friend came to find me. She had moved to Reading the previous year. I really believe God sent her and I ran away with her, leaving everything but C’s possessions. J had 2 children of her own and only a 3 bedroom house, so I slept in her living room C shared a room with her daughter. I span him some line about him coming when we were settled but I was never under any illusion I was running away.
Foolishly I thought I’d be able to find a Dr to prescribe me methadone, there are many other drugs available to opiate addicts now but then methadone was the only real solution. Boy was I wrong. Before a doctor could take anyone or prescribe anything they needed to be refered by one of the drug support agencies. Funding was limited, waiting lists were looong, appointments were like Willy Wonker’s Golden tickets!
I have never known such illness, J my friend did everything for C at this point, I will never forget her kindness, it is not the only time she has come to my rescue but that it a story for another time or this blog will become a book haha. One time I caved, a friend drove miles from Oxford to Reading to deliver me something but in the end I had to go thorough it if not for myself then for C. It took about 3 weeks to get back on my feet by then I was tremendously weak from the lack of food and vomiting. I remember walking to the shops only about a mile and a half but I had to get a taxi back.
I’d like to say my struggle with addiction and body dysmorphia ended there but they didn’t. The chapter of G and Oxford was over. I don’t regret any of it other than the hurt it caused others. Life is a lesson that shapes the person you become, sometimes the same thing needs repeating over and over until it’s fully appreciated, you missed the point or there were many things to gain from it. Experiences, however painful help you to grow, if you can use those experiences to help others, I believe you should because then the pain and discomfort weren’t for nothing.
I’ve been feeling a but wobbly of late! No not a lack of yoga although my stiff muscles are painfully aware of that 😁 Reason for this peculiar mood? No idea or at least none I’m aware of.
Chris and I don’t have much work..self employment means you live like a king or a pauper, there seems to be nothing in between but that’s pretty standard and I’m long enough in the tooth to know it will pick up.
I’m struggling with a new acquaintance, which has lit a candle if not actually shone a light on other areas I’m not comfortable with.
I’m sure we all like to think of ourselves as kind, forward thinking and accepting, for the most part I believe this is who I am but we’re multifaceted and there are equally personality traits that are less attractive and more difficult to admit to.
I feel uncomfortable now just thinking about it, not quite a ball of ice in my stomach or a nauseous sensation in my throat but something in between that brings to mind shame or guilt.
If I’m completely honest I wonder if my difficulties with this person are because they remind me of things I don’t like about myself (aka Sigmund Freud.) Initially when someone else was a bit scathing about them I fought their corner, to be honest this is my default. (I always put the other person’s point of view across to the point of being really irritating but if I can possibly see the good or a positive spin I will and do.) I thought perhaps they were trying a little too hard having moved into our community. They’ve been everywhere to quote Johnny Cash, done everything. They interrupt even the most mundane of conversations, something I know I’m guilty of and also the thing that irritates me most about my husband too incidentally.
Sometimes I feel God has sent this person to highlight the least attractive things about me, my husband and our relationship to show us what we need to work on and to remind me that I don’t actually like everyone as I often assume.
You can be pleased for the success of another person but also envious because you’re not as successful. It’s possible to be both content in your own life and still desire a lottery win.
I admit I’m jealous of people who win tens or even hundreds of millions, in a “hmm I bet I’d be more altruistic than them! Why do they deserve that? I’m not proud of it but it’s human nature. I live under no illusion that vast wealth comes with it’s own unique problems. If we ever won that kind of life changing sum I’d want to help, I already know what I’d do to try regenerate our community for example and help those less fortunate but where would you start? There are so many worthy causes, where do you stop? No matter what you won it could never be enough.
Then you have the arguments it would cause. Obviously I’d want a house, car and to investment for my children, help my friends and family. I’d want a business. Chris on the other hand would want cars and stuff! I’d want to create business that could sustain themselves and be run by people that used the services they provide.
I’d like to quietly help and write, I’d love the time to write and train my mind and body. He’d like to spend loudly and rub people’s noses in it 😂
You’d have people coming out of the woodwork trying to exploit you for greed or genuine need. Who would you, should you turn away?
Just as absolute power corrupts, maybe vast wealth pollutes too, when you have little or just enough contentment is found in more than possessions and money. Does greed seep in once money is readily available, once you have it do you give your all in the fear of losing it or in the pursuit of it? Forgetting to stop and enjoy?
I’ve no idea but happy as I am and I really am very happy with my lot, I wouldn’t mind finding out 😉
Bit of a nothing day today. I didn’t wake up on the wrong side of the bed. In fact I slept until about 6.30am which is a good hour longer than normal. The quality of my sleep was ok. Chris (yin to my yang, or vice versa) got up happy enough off to do his CBT, bike test, or to attempt it for the 3rd time, because the ice and snow have prevented it on the previous 2 occasions. 3rd time lucky it seems as he borrowed my car after the school run and is still not back actually, it’s been 6 hours!!!
Anyway I digress, Emily (15) got up, dressed, breakfasted etc without complaint, as did Jenson (9) and Lewis (6). Ellie (17 lives with her father for many reasons too boring to touch on) had rung 82 times and sent me numerous texts and messenger messages ranging from how horrendous I am as a parent to how bereft she is about life because she missed the college bus. Lewis had my phone, it’s a a bit of a ritual in the morning. As long as he’s dressed, hair and teeth done, shoes on and good to go he can watch whatever he likes (within reason) on YouTube. By the time I talked to her (El) she was ok. Daizy (4) I got up managed to half dress, PE today so she goes in her kit, no shoes, socks or coat but hey I can do that in the car park by school, winner! She had a bit of a paddy when I did her hair but this is a daily occurence so I thought nothing of it, rallied the troops got everyone, bags, lunches, coats etc into the car and… no Daizy. She’d gone back to bed in just her t-shirt and now she needed a wee too!
On to the loo, downstairs one because it doesn’t have a hurty seat like the upstairs one?! Your guess is as good as mine, so ok hurried knickers and joggers as far as the knees while on said loo, plus socks, threw shoes and coat into car, wiped a foofe pulled everything up raced out of the door strapped child in to seat and we were away.
Emily to her school in time for breakfast club, over to Jenson’s school for breakfast club, down the hill to get my daughter Ce’Nedra (27) and my grandchildren Javiah (7) and Shiloh (3) from the bus stop and take them to their school with Daizy and Lewis.
Pull up outside the final school in the run, but at the wrong entrance ffs! Shiloh and Daizy do not want to go to school. Ce’Nedra manages to get Javiah and Shiloh to go in. Fortunately one of Lewis’s teachers was passing and took him for me or I think I may have had trouble with him, he was telling me all about the tummy bug he felt sure he was about to get.
Just Daizy then, I managed to struggle with the shoes and her new bag, by this time a teacher from her class realising I was in trouble came out to the car and took her. I ran Ce’Nedra home to do her house work and managed to get an hour of training it. This wasn’t a bad morning as mornings go. Pretty standard, on the good side if I’m honest, they’re often so much worse because more of the children have found something to moan about or the domino effect of 1 child triggering another.
No reason for Meh, just a normal morning, not a work day. Watched “Call the midwife!” and cried like a baby, I so often do, it’s an emotive programme.. But there’s something not right in my world, something is slightly off. I am uneasy about the fact I can’t get Chris on the phone or text. He is inherently selfish in the sense that if he wants to do something he does it even, even if it’s an inconvenience. If he wants something, even if we can’t afford it he has it but it isn’t like him to leave me with no car seats. I can’t imagine a 2 hour test could would take 5 even if it took 30 mins to drive the 12 miles to the test centre and another 30 home.
I’m torn between feeling ridiculous for this sense of dread and ringing the hospitals. I’m not sure if I’m avoiding the news in case there’s an accident reported…It’s my car, they would’ve checked with DVLA and have been to tell me surely. If he was leaving me, he’d have taken things with him. My mind is running all sorts of soap opera worthy scenarios. The phone rang, it was a wrong number, Mrs Clarke they were after but I felt sure it was bad news!
If he saunters in I’m honestly not sure if I’ll punch him and shout or burst into tears, then shout.
I’ll keep you posted
Up date, idiot husband returned about 8 hrs after leaving and telling me he’d be 4 max.. I was relieved, then maddened he couldn’t see why I was concerned #men
I hate alcohol, smoking, racism, homophobia, misogynists, bigotry, prejudice, small minded pettiness, people, life aaaaaarrrrgh!!! Actually I don’t hate people but I hate our species, we have the capacity for such brilliance, kindness, beauty & altruism yet we wage war on each other, argue and fight over the smallest notions. No religion advocates violence, yet it’s so often used as an excuse to hurt and condemn even kill! Greed sees us drive other species to extinction seemingly daily. We’re bleeding the world dry despite it being the only place we have to live. The oceans used to team with life, now awash with plastic. The ice caps are melting, indigenous species are starving, I can’t forget the images of emaciated polar bears! Indigenous peoples “civilised” within an inch of their lives, the old ways which impacted so little on the environment forgotten and the people railroaded towards convenience, easy life and sickness from common ailments to type 2 diabetes. Kindness costs nothing but it’s effect is far reaching. Sadly the same is true of unkindness, bitterness and suspicion. Look at Nazi Germany, once something is drip fed in the right environment negativity and suspicions grow, appalling acts of cruelty are accepted, people are desensitized to it. I’m using the example of Germany because it’s so well known but time and again for atrocities to take place people need to be accepting things that should outrage! We should all be appalled at the destruction of the rain forests, not least because they create the very oxygen we require to live but until we’re gasping for breath it won’t be relevant. The rich have inherited the earth not the meek! The mind boggles to fathom how the rich got that way if they fail to see how damaging drilling for oil at the poles will be for example. You can’t eat money. BUT I have to believe we’re better than that, I’m positive by nature, I wasn’t always but I’ve changed over time, I hope I’ve always tried to be kind but I’ve definitely hurt people without intention because I acted in my own interests without thinking of the ripple effect of my behaviour. My husband, while naturally pessimistic has changed over the course of our marriage. Before we met he lived in quite a negative environment with a person who carried the weight of an unhappy past. Either this affected him negatively or my positivity and our children have rubbed off but either way he’s not as negative as he was then. We’re poles apart though in so many ways, he’s an evangelical atheist, I’m quietly God squad. He would claim he’s not prejudice but his fear of Isis and terrorism coupled with ignorance about Islam make for heated discussion in our house. He drinks heavily,smokes and thinks he’s done some exercise if he’s walked from a parking space to the supermarket, although he does a physical job. I train daily, I’m not tea total because I drink at Christmas and New year but I’ve no need for anything to change my reality, I spent my early 20’s addicted to heroin perhaps this is why I like to be straight now but that’s a life time ago and a subject for another time. As a former smoker too I’m probably worse than someone who never smoked in the anti-smoking departments. We drive each other completely mad. He sulks and ignores me when I’ve displeased him. For the first 4 years I’d beg for forgiveness and try to placate him, an echo of previous controlling relationships, now I apologise but only if I’m in the wrong and one time. He calms down and we carry on like nothing has happened. He believes he’s never wrong, it’s amusing now I think if it but mid row it’s infuriating. For all this neither of us is frightened to be ourselves for fear of losing the other. We have both been alone and know we excel at it but life is better together. I love him with my whole soul he makes my heart smile despite our many differences. He loves me the same way. His previous partner has been very vocal about her belief she had the best of him because she had him longer when he had a six pack and all his hair/teeth. I find that so sad because the man he’s become is kind, loving and thoughtful, a far superior human being that the angry judgmental man she left behind. I’m still attracted to him. We balance each other out. If we can change, we’re nothing special, surely the world can too.!?
Random acts of kindness however small can change the world!
As a rule I’m generally a happy person. I don’t really stress about things I’ve no control over and am happy with my lot. I’m not wealthy, don’t own my own house. My car is a 14 year old people carrier but I do have 6 healthy children, a husband who drives me round the twist, I mean really (the subject of a half drafted blog actually haha!) but he is entirely the right fit for me!
I have faith that everything’s as it should be and the sense of mind to realise things could be good deal worse.
But today I am in the worst mood, there’s a underlying anger buzzing in my soul. Chris aforementioned beloved husband had his CBT (motor bike proficiency test) cancelled for the second time this week, having driven the 12 miles to the airfield to take the flipping test only to discover it was too icy to be messing about on motor bikes (again). I waited to see if it would be cancelled again which was my first mistake if I’m honest, I should’ve just got on with it and not procrastinated, turns out he went for breakfast and that was why he took longer than anticipated. Thinking I was good to go I was trying some kick boxing training to help with my coordination which is terribly poor and trying to push the envelope out of my comfort zone where training is concerned when he came back through the door. I was only 10 minutes in! I think this was the start of it, the bad mood. I’m a creature of habit. I like to make plans and stick to them, this put me out of whack. I also like to be physically active most days, for my mental health if nothing else and it upset both apple carts.
My oldest daughter (27) moved home with her partner and kids a few weeks ago, I’m finding that hard too, not in the practical sense. I take her children to school with mine, collect them with mine and all is well with the world. My oldest son is 9 and has gone to play with his nephew (7) today, I dropped him off while Emily (15) has drama. He was a bit reluctant to go at first because Javiah is on an Xbox ban but having dropped him there, taken Em to drama, picked up Ellie’s (17) wages, and friend and dropped them back to her house (she has lived with her Dad for the last 2 years but stays whenever she feels the need) I bought some paper for art, bread and chocolate spread for sandwiches and took them back for the boys he was happy enough. I need to pry Jenson away from technology as often as possible or he’d literally sit in the same space on the sofa for the rest of time with YouTube on the tv and tablet at the same time!
The same goes for Lewis (6) and Daizy (4) in my day tv was going to give you square eyes, there’s a proven correlation between hours watching television and weight gain over the generations (I won’t be using the Harvard reference system or any other btw 😉) now it’s mobile phones, tablets pcs etc. At the risk of sounding like a grumpy old fart. When I was young we went out to play, in the street with our friends, on our bikes, to the park, we came home when we were hungry or the street lights came on. No one could check up on you, call or text, if you were late you were in big trouble.
I don’t believe any more terrible things are happening now than they were in my day. I remember my mother telling me stories about men talking to her and her sister when they were young (they’re in their 70s now) on the tube to school, trying to grope them or peek at their knickers while climbing trees. She said matter of factly they were men damaged from the war, my grandmother told them not to talk to strangers and stay together so they didn’t and they did. Today there’s so much more publicly about these things, we want to keep our children safe. In my mother’s day it was inconceivable the abhorrent things we now know happen. If a child needed to go on the train unaccompanied you just asked someone in the same carriage to watch them and tell them which stop to get off at. Social services would take a dim view of that now!
I live in the UK, we have Brexit to deal with, don’t get me started on that farce! A homeless population we should be terribly ashamed of but no-one is bombing my country at present. Education is free, health care is free, social housing exists, free money is provided if you’re unable to work for whatever reason. Real contentment has very little to do with money (although a lotto win wouldn’t go a miss) I might be moody but my spirit is content and grateful. Have a wonderful weekend folks A x #Happy #contentment #grumpy #middleaged #gratitude #family #life
For the third year running I’m doing “sugar free February for cancer research. I seriously don’t know anyone unaffected by cancer on some level.
Personally both my parents had it, my mother fully recovered from bladder cancer a few years ago, caught early she barely lost her stride. My father passed away when I was 6 after a battle with a sinus/brain tumour. Despite initial positive indications following radiation it eventually came back to claim him. My step father had bowel cancer but is fully recovered, both his mother and Aunt had it too (also making a full recovery,) although Bessie was found to have a brain tumour years later which was to be her undoing. His sister died 5 years ago following a decade long battle with cervical cancer. Another of his sister’s had to have a kidney transplant following cancer. I should stress I’m not supplying a wo is me list, death comes to us all, it’s the only certainty in life and the majority of these people I wasn’t in close personal contact with.
My mother’s best friend died of breast cancer when I was 21, that was traumatic, she was like another mother to me, it was her & her family we (my brother and I) stayed with when my father was in hospital having treatment and also them I lived with when I was at college in Oxford after my mother had remarried and moved to Pembrokeshire. With Nuala I was at an age where it hurt, not to say losing my father didn’t hurt but I was six. He’d worked full time as an architect in the next county, spent the best part of a year in Bristol having treatment or in Sobel house hospice dying so I was accustom to his absence.
Some families it runs through like wild fire, whether something in their genes or an environmental/social ingredient we’re unaware of currently. I believe while we’re beginning to gain insight we’re yet to know the true implications of our impact both globally on the planet and physically to our health with pesticides, pollution, poor diet, genetic engineering and who knows what else.
So wish me luck, although day 1 was easy in comparison to Veganuary, that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I cheated about day 28 (cheese.) I take my hat off to vegans, just for managing to consume enough calories to maintain muscle mass without being the size of a barn. I gained fat mass and lost muscle over the month. It will come off, I generally default to a norm when I’m not obsessing about food another topic entirely.