Beyond thrilled

It may sound a little bit daft but someone liked my posts, (3 people actually at the time of writing) someone even commented!!! This has thrilled my middle-aged heart more than you will ever know and when I can learn to navigate this site a little better I will even respond 🙂

As a child in the 80’s I genuinely thought I’d become famous (doesn’t everyone?) if not for my fabulous singing voice (one I don’t possess incidentally) then for my scintillating wit and quirky personality, I now realise I’m probably rather less different and individual than I once thought in my years of teenage angst. Obviously the fame I felt sure I deserved didn’t materialise, thank goodness really, who would want to live with the trolling and judgement day to day. So I’ll settle for some appreciation for my online diary 😆

Laughable and cringeworthy too is the memory of how hard done by I felt at that age. My twin brother died from a congenital heart condition after quite a fight when we were toddlers, my father when I was six and my wonderful mother suffers from depression. These things I felt I should receive great sympathy for. Looking back with embarrassment at the echo of my selfish self absorbed teenage self I feel ashamed. My poor brother must have had a far worse time than I did. He’s 20 months older than me (and Thomas) how awful must it have been for him an only child and the apple of my parent’s eyes to have not one but two bawling babies thrown in to the mix. For one of them to be so unwell and need so much attention too. There were no scans or such like that we take for granted today. It must have been a shock for everyone.

My parent’s must have been talking about losing Thomas because Jem became very upset at one point when my mother questioned him as to why, he said he didn’t want to be lost 😥 My heart absolutely breaks for my 3 year old brother when I think of that.

And for my parents, to loose a child.. having watched my daughter lose her son a couple of years ago I can’t imagine how my mother felt seeing that, my cousin (Mother’s only sister’s daughter) lost her daughter the previous year from complications with a heart operation in a similar circumstance to Thomas. I know that was very difficult for her.

Horrid teenage me didn’t see any of this, my father died of a brain tumour 7 days before my brother’s birthday I didn’t see that either because it wasn’t about me. At that age I would have lied about the colour of the sky if it had got me a bit of sympathy. I wonder if that is why I try very hard to be honest now. My poor brother carried all this rage he was too young to understand. We are not close now at all we don’t really know each, our lives have taken very different paths but I love him and he loves me. We don’t phone or write but if he needed me, I’d be there and vice versa.. weird dysfunctional family that we are. I take solace in the fact he has a formidable wife who I like very much and is perfect for him.

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